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peteBLUEttr · Super Guru

Jokes

peteBLUEttr · Super Guru

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought for a second and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation he found a dirty nappy. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the spare room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was bouncing up and down on the the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap! wink biggrin

hanzo · Senior Member

How does a farmer count his cows?

With a cowculator biggrin

peteBLUEttr · Super Guru

One for the boys...... hmm

Stepping out of the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her chest is too small.

Instead of simply telling her it's not so, the husband jokingly comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your arse didn't it?!" smile

......................................................................................................

Senior Citizen Remixes:

"You're So Varicose Vein" by Carly Simon

"How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?" by the BeeGees

"I Can't See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash

"These Boots Give Me Arthritis" by Nancy Sinatra

"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" by the Commodores

"I Get By with a Little Help from Depends" by the Beatles

"Talking' Bout My Medication" by the Who

"Bald Thing" by the Troggs

"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" by the Rolling Stones

"I Heard It through the Grape ring" by Marvin Gaye

Cubber · Super Guru

Here's a funny one that made me smile ...... biggrin

A first-grade teacher, Miss Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.

The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1^st Grade. My sister is in the 3^rd Grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3^rd Grade too!”

Miss Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told Miss Brooks he would give the boy a test.

If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1^st Grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

The principal asked, “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry replied, “9.”

The principal asked, “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry replied, “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looked at Miss Brooks and told her, “Y’ know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3^rd Grade.”

But Miss Brooks is still sceptical and said to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Miss Brooks asked, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment, replied, “Legs.”

Miss Brooks, “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied, “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief.

Miss Brooks, “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry, “Pants.”

By now, the principal was sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Miss Brooks, “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal’s eyes opened really wide.

Before the principal could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Miss Brooks, “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry, “Shake hands.”

The principal was now trembling with apprehension as Miss Brooks asked her final question......

Miss Brooks asked, “What word starts with an “F” and ends in “K” and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Harry quickly replied, “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told Miss Brooks, “Put Harry in 5^th Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

wink

Martyn

TTRfan · Super Guru

Best one yet Martyn biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

peteBLUEttr · Super Guru

Nice one Martyn

pug · Guru

Best i can do at this time

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Tesco when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

Pug

KMAN · Senior Member

Walking Down The Aisle.
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the
aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside
me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the
price of 2!"

Cubber · Super Guru

Do you know, I was married in 1970 and I still have that moment as my wife walks down the aisle. wink

I'm usually in the garage cleaning, fettling and polishing my bikes.

She's now un-packing her car having been to Waitrose to get my beer supply.

Martyn

peteBLUEttr · Super Guru

Anymore for anymore?

ttr steve · Super Guru

Keep them coming smile smile

pug · Guru

One for are Oz members the front fell off an yes we have people like this over hear as well

www.youtube.com/watch

peteBLUEttr · Super Guru

www.youtube.com/watch

TTRfan · Super Guru

FOUR ladies meet after 30 years at their High School Reunion.

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

"Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.

"Last week on his birthdayhe got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends..." .

The other three fainted ....

peteBLUEttr · Super Guru

biggrin biggrin biggrin

ttr steve · Super Guru

peteBLUEttr wrote:

+1 biggrin biggrin biggrin

Cubber · Super Guru

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes'.

Don't blame me, I only cut and pasted it. biggrin disbelief biggrin

Martyn

pug · Guru

like a good Joke Martyn but you cant leave it like that so

An English man, Irishman and a Scotch man are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free”.
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.”
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back-room for a shag”
The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happens to my sister every time she out